that serious conversation that feels like it never ends

Hello friends.
In our last post Ciara talked about how busy life has been, and it's true.
It's been busy. Stressful. (at times)

But last month something big happened in us.
Ciara and I were sitting in the car outside Gibson's Frozen Yogurt in a somewhat heated conversation...
We were trying to tell each other how hurt we felt. How we needed something. How hard each of us was trying to be the best for the other. How time and time again it only felt like we were failing. That in the end all we can produce is shit.

When you come from the place of trying so hard to be something, to the realization that it will only bring crap, the human soul becomes crushed with defeat.
And that's where we sat.
What's the point?
Why even go to Panama and help?

"What is the point in life?" I asked.
You see I know that in the end of it all, I will no longer matter. All that matters is Him.
And if that's true, God is such a selfish god. To make a people who live their lives under His watch only ever failing.
At the same time if He made it all about me, then He did a crappy job.
I toil away, gaining nothing half the time.
Feeling worthless.
Feeling like a burden to those around me.
And it never ends.

So we fell, to a place of defeat. All this work, all this effort, and nothing.
But in that we began to talk about what it really means.

It is my belief that while God is infinitely great, can do whatever, and can have whatever, He really just wanted something to love Him.
Something to share with Him.
And the only way to accomplish this was to give them the freedom to choose Him.
He made us to be His bride.
His love.

But you see, He's not looking for just one of us. He's not looking for one of the best of us. He's looking and waiting for ALL of us.
There's a thing I heard a few years back that I believe with all my heart, and it's become the way I view the world:
"God made us all like little pieces of Himself, so that like mirrors we could reflect Him back to Him."

Then it hit me.
He wants us ALL to be the Bride.
For the first time in my life I wanted to share this with everyone. I wanted everyone to know that He wants us and, to an extent, He needs us.
We are the only creatures who can love Him.

Even with this pertinent revelation I still didn't understand what this life was about.
How do we love Him?
How do we live a life of love?
What do we do?
Where do we go?
How do we act?

For a few months now I've been writing some music.
I started writing a song entitled "The Aisle of Man From the Isle of Man"
It begins with the realization that God is everything and much like our discussion, questions what purpose I serve. After mine and Ciara's car talk I wrote the second verse and chorus which talks about my own personal worth, and the need to join with my brothers and sisters to become the bride.
But as I wrote the 3rd verse and chorus, something changed.
It was no longer about me.
I realized how unimportant I am in my own life.
I realized it's not about how perfect I can be.
It's not about me, and somehow it's not really about God....
I know, I know, but hear me out.

Like the proverbial sheep and the goats we live for ourselves, or we live for others.
If we are to use Jesus, Yashua, The Son of Man, as the perfect example of what a human should be. We'd notice that while what his Father thought, and how his Father felt were very important to him, the ones he loved, and the ones he took care of were all the people.
He centered his life around one thing.
US.


So this trip to Panama will come for me with new meaning.
One of forfeit.
One of forgiveness.
One of hope.


"For a moment, sitting there above the city, I imagined life outside narcissism. I wondered how beautiful it might be to think of others as more important than myself. I wondered at how peaceful it might be not to be pestered by that childish voice that wants for pleasure and attention. I wondered what it would be like not to live in a house of mirrors, everywhere I go being reminded of myself."
-Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller



-ephraim